To make you feel my love
by Trapped in a MatchBox
Summary: She slides down to the floor, curling her arms around her legs, her cheek resting on top of her knees. She is not leaving until he tells her what the hell is going on with him.


**A/N: Well, "47 seconds" happened and I needed to get this out. It was supposed to be a ficlet, but it got entirely out of hand.**

**Disclaimer: Castle is not mine. Obviously.**

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><p><strong>To Make You Feel My Love<strong>

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><p><strong>I could make you happy<strong>

**Make your dreams come true**

**Nothing that I wouldn't do**

**Go to the ends**

**Of the Earth for you**

**To make you feel my love**

**_Adele - To make you feel my love_**

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><p>At first, she thinks he is just having a bad day. The bomb case really hit close to home and she found herself reevaluating all the things she took for granted lately; how she took <em>him<em> for granted these past few months, thinking he would always be there for her, always reliable, always her Castle.

Her partner. Her best friend.

She never thought something like this would happen. Ever. Not after everything they have been through together in past year alone. She was so sure he was going to come out and say it that day when he asked if they could talk. So sure that they were finally going to start building this future together and she would finally heal completely with him by her side. She thought that maybe she wouldn't have to bring up the fact that she knows he loves her; maybe they would just say it to each other again and go from there and everything would be fine.

She was so sure that day.

But not anymore.

First he disappeared for almost a week, claiming he was busy with the new book and deadlines and things like that whenever she called about a body. She misses him. Really, really misses him because she is so used to seeing him pretty much every single day that working without him is just not normal anymore; it always feels like there is a part of her missing whenever he is not by her side. But she shrugs it off, thinking he is really busy, even if it felt like something was different about him, the way he treated her and talked to her on the phone.

When he finally shows up, Kate realizes what it was that was so strange about this whole week without him. He is distant, giving her the cold shoulder and she has no idea why. She can't remember for the life of her what she did wrong that would make him so angry that he would shut her out like this. They had been in such a great place before the bombing, seeing each constantly, hanging out after work, on her days off. Always.

And then it was like someone flipped a switch on him and he was a completely different person when he was around her. He barely talks to her now, only the essential. And she misses their camaraderie, their friendship. She misses _him_ so much it hurts, but she has no idea what she could have possible done to him, so there is no way she can try to fix it. She talks to Lanie about it one night, when her friend comes over for a girls night in, and the medical examiner says exactly what has been running through her mind since the bombing case, but she refused to acknowledge.

Exactly what she fears the most.

"Maybe he's tired of waiting."

It hits her like a ton of bricks and she mulls over it the entire way to the crime scene when they are called in. Maybe Lanie is right. Maybe she has strung him along for so long, trying to get better for him, that he just got sick of her, sick of waiting. All this time she was just trying to get to a better place emotionally so she could try to be someone he deserves to have a relationship with. Looks like she made him wait entirely too long and he apparently decided she is just not worth the trouble. Not that she blames him. She knows she is messed up.

But she was trying. She really was. For him.

It just becomes even clearer that this is really the case when he shows up in his Ferrari with a blonde in his arm. The day before, he showed up with another girl at the precinct, saying he had a lunch date. And now he is here with another woman and it's clear, _so very clear,_ that he doesn't want her anymore.

Game over for her.

He's moved on.

She missed her chance.

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><p>A couple of weeks pass by before she has had enough. She needs to know what happened. She needs to know how she can fix this because she can't take it anymore. He is blatantly ignoring her now, to the point that Ryan and Esposito corner her one day wondering what the hell is going on. She tells them she doesn't know, that maybe Castle has too much going on with his new book and is just tired.<p>

She just leaves out the part that he got tired of waiting for her. That he is tired _of_ her.

Because, honestly, that is the only explanation. And she can even try to accept it, really. After all, whatever it was, it was her fault. It hurts so much, but if he truly doesn't want her anymore, then she can leave him alone. She just needs to know why. She is not giving him up without a fight.

So one night, about three weeks after the bombing case, she goes to the loft determined to find out what made him change so much. He has disappeared again, hasn't been to the precinct in four days and she needs to see him.

She needs him.

Parking the car a couple of blocks away from his building, she walks the rest of the way, breathing in the cold March night air deeply, in an attempt to clear her head and sort out her thoughts. She doesn't know what she is going to say yet, but she figures she'll cross that bridge when she gets there.

Greeting the doorman with a smile, she makes her way up to his floor and knocks on his door before she loses her courage. Silence greets her and she looks down, disappointed. What did she expect, really? It's Friday night, of course he is not home. He is probably out with one of his new blonde bimbos (she has counted three so far and it always makes her sick to her stomach) and Alexis and Martha are most like not home either.

Kate lets out a sigh, frustrated tears welling up in her eyes. She shouldn't be here. He doesn't want her anymore and she has to get that through her thick skull. She's lost her chance because of her own fears and stubbornness. Now she has to deal with the consequences.

Leaning against the wall, she tries to think for a second what the best course of action here is. She could wait for him here, but what if he comes home with a new girl? She doesn't want things to get awkward, no more than they already are. But at the same time, she wants answers. He can't just up and leave her like this, without saying at least why he is suddenly turning his back on her when things were seemingly going so well between them.

She needs to know. Hell, she _deserves_ to know.

So she slides down to the floor, curling her arms around her legs, her cheek resting on top of her knees. She is not leaving until he tells her what the hell is going on with him.

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><p>It's a couple of hours later when she startles awake. The ding of the elevator woke her up and she looks up to find a disheveled Castle standing in the hallway, looking at her part confused, part angry. She stands up quickly, trying to blink away any remnants of sleep and opens her mouth, only to shut it again. Her hands find purchase in her coat pockets and she shifts from foot to foot under his steely gaze.<p>

Now that he's here, she doesn't know what to say.

"What are you doing here?"

His voice is cold and she closes her eyes against it, trying to brace herself for the imminent heartbreak that she knows is about to happen.

"I… Can we talk?" She stumbles with her words and bites down on her lips, mortified.

"Do you need help with a case?"

"No, I just… I want to talk to you. Can we? Talk? Please?"

She closes her hands in tight fists inside her pockets, waiting for his answer. He regards her for a moment, head cocked to the side as if he's trying to puzzle her out. Once again, she shuffles her feet, not knowing where to look. She can't stand this new side of him.

"There's nothing to talk about, Kate." He finally says and he sounds tired and she doesn't know what to do when she looks at him. It looks like he is ten years older, the way he's looking at her warily. "Just… just go."

He walks past her, key ready to unlock his door and she knows, _she knows_ this is her last chance. If she lets him go now, she's not getting him back. Ever. And that thought hurts her more than she could ever thought possible.

"Castle, wait." She stops him, hand on his arm before she can think it through. "Please. Tell me how to fix this. I don't know what happened, but I need to fix it. I can't stand this anymore." Her voice shakes and she wants to kick herself for letting her emotions get the best of her. But she can't help it. She misses him. She wants him back. "Talk to me. Please."

"I already told you. There's nothing to talk about." He bites out and she visibly flinches at his harsh tone.

"I can't fix whatever this is if you don't tell me what's wrong." She insists, trying to keep a blank face. She needs to get her emotions in check, otherwise she's not getting anywhere tonight with this.

"I don't believe you." He shakes his head and unlocks his door, leaving it open when he enters the loft.

Well, at least that's progress.

"You don't believe me? What do you mean?" She frowns in confusion, but follows him inside, closing the door behind her.

"You don't know what's wrong? You really think I'm going to fall for that?" He lets out a humorless laugh and looks down. "You don't have to pretend anymore, Beckett. I get it."

"You get _what_, Castle? I have no idea what you're talking about." She says, frustrated, trying to make sense of his words.

"The bombing case? When you were interrogating Bobby? Ring any bells?" He turns his back on her again and heads for the kitchen to retrieve a glass. "You remember."

And then it hits her.

Bobby's interrogation. She told him she had been shot in the chest and she remembered every seconds of it. But there was no way Castle could've heard that, he wasn't even in the precinct then. But still… that's the only explanation.

"I… how do you-"

"I came back, brought you coffee. Esposito told me you were getting Bobby to talk so I thought I'd go watch, you know? Always liked watching you getting a confession out of suspects." He pours himself an unhealthy amount of scotch and takes a sip, grimacing as it obviously burns down his throat. "Never thought I'd get a confession out of _you_ like that."

"Rick, I can explain." She starts but he holds out his hand, stopping her.

"I don't care, Beckett. You know, what really hurts is that you just strung me along all this time, giving me false hope. You should've just told me." He tells her and she can hear the pain in his voice as he downs most of the amber liquid in his glass. It cuts into her deeply.

"I was going to tell you, I swear. I just… I needed time and…"

"You had ten months, Beckett. _Ten fucking months_ and you just went on with your life as if nothing had happened. Who the hell do you think you are?" He is nearly yelling at her now and she swallows hard, willing her tears to disappear.

"I needed time because I-"

"I don't care anymore. You can save your excuses for the next guy who makes the mistake of falling for you." He interrupts her again and anger just flares up in her. Why won't he just let her explain, for Christ's sake?

"Will you just listen to me for a minute?" Her voice rises without her intending to, but her frustration has just come to a boiling point. He falls silent and looks at her with a raised eyebrow. Kate has to take a deep breath before continuing. "I needed time because… everything was a mess back then. I couldn't deal with it all, not after everything that had happened. It was too much, Castle. Too much and I wasn't strong enough to handle it. So yeah, I took the coward's way out and I'm sorry for that. I know it was a huge mistake, but then it was already done and I didn't know how to undo it."

"You could've just told me when you got back to work. That day at the swings." He interrupts her again and she shakes her head.

"I couldn't, Castle. You know how bad things were back then. _You saw me_. I could barely handle work, let alone make any sense of my feelings and your feelings and my PTSD and it was too much all over again." She starts pacing his living room, knowing he's watching her, but she can't bear to look at him. She needs to get this out first. "I went back to therapy. I've been seeing a therapist once a week since then. Because I realized I needed to get better. I needed to _be_ better, put my past to rest in order to be worthy of you. To be someone you wanted to be with. Because the way I was back then… I didn't want to hurt you. And if I'd said anything back then… if I'd told you that I remembered, we wouldn't have worked because I know I would eventually screw up and break us." She stops pacing and looks up, finding his eyes regarding her curiously, the anger she saw flaring in his blue irises before is now retreating. "I wanted to be able say it back to you and I honestly thought that we were getting there before the bombing case."

He is silent for a long minute and Kate sighs, suddenly feeling exhausted. She leans against the kitchen island tiredly, feeling the last of her strength leave her body. This is it. She's dealt all her cards. If he still doesn't want her, then she'll walk out that door and never look back.

"I get it if you don't feel the same way anymore. I really do." She says when the silence between them becomes unbearable. "I don't blame you. But I needed you to know." She finishes, looking at her hands, fingers entwined nervously on his counter.

"Know what, Kate?"

His voice is softer now, so much different from the coldness she had been greeted with a few minutes ago. She looks up, startles when she finds him closer than she expected. Without her knowing, he circled the counter and is now standing next to her. He touches her arm to get her attention, making her meet his eyes.

"Know what?" He insists and Kate swallows hard, eyes fleeting to the wall behind him and then back to his now soft gaze.

"That I love you." She whispers, not having the strength of the courage to say it louder. "And I don't want to lose you. I can't."

Her voice breaks and she bites hard on her lip, refusing to cry in front of him. She closes her eyes and takes a deep, steadying breath to keep her erratic emotions in check, but suddenly his lips are on hers and she is startled for half a second before kissing him back. It's soft and slow and so tentative that she feels an overwhelming need to cry in relief that this is not over.

They are not over. Oh, God, they're not over.

"Kate," he breathes against her lips, his forehead on hers and she realized her hands are clutching his shirt tightly. "God, why didn't you just tell me?" He brushes her tears away with him thumbs, touching her almost reverentially.

"I don't know. I was scared, I…"

She starts rambling, but he shuts her up with his lips and this time it's more aggressive as he nips on her bottom lip, soothing it with his tongue. She grants him entrance and groans when their tongues meet and their hips press together, her hands fisting his shirt as she pulls him closer.

"I love you." He gasps when they pull apart for air and she feels it all the way down to her toes, the enormity of what has just happened making her feel dizzy. "I love you, Kate. I'm so sorry I was such a jerk these past couple of weeks."

"I'm sorry too. I never meant to hurt you." She cradles his cheek, brushing her thumb gently over the dark circles under his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"Doesn't matter anymore." He leans in and kisses her forehead. She nuzzles into his neck, placing a light kiss to his skin. "I missed you." He whispers in her ear and kisses her temple, trailing down to her cheek, encouraging her to find his lips again.

"Missed you too. So much. You have no idea." She tells him when they break apart again.

"I do. Not happening anymore, though. Not letting you go." He pulls her tighter against his body, captures her lips again in a mind boggling kiss.

"I'm okay with that." She mumbles when his hands slip under her shirt.

She is more than okay with that.

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><p><strong>AN: Thoughts?**


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